Middle Age Isn’t 50, It’s 38.75

😳

That dude above is clearly mocking you ⬆️

When you think of middle age, what comes to mind?

A snazzy red convertible? A questionable leather jacket? Or maybe a sudden obsession with running marathons?

In our minds, the default “middle-age” is 50. We just love 100, for some reason.

But, plot twist: The average lifespan in the USA is 77.5 years, so middle age is actually… 38.75.

F*cking hell, if you’re 38-and-some-change, you’re statistically halfway through life. Let that sink in.

Suddenly, the phrase “over the hill” feels a little closer to home, doesn’t it? For me, it does.

Why 50 Doesn’t Cut It Anymore

The idea that middle age starts at 50 probably makes sense when we see people living to their 90s, drinking kale smoothies, and doing yoga into their golden years.

We rarely do, though.

For the rest of us, the stats are pretty clear. At 38.75, you’re straddling the divide between youthful optimism and wondering if you should be wearing more comfortable shoes.

And while 38 might seem early to start a mid-life crisis, it’s actually the perfect storm.

You’re old enough to have some “been-there, done-that” moments, but still young enough to panic about what’s next.

You know, that stage between the “f*ck it stage” and the “I am too old for that sh*t stage”.

That’s why we see so many Millennials (or Gen Y, for all you nerds) going through this existential phase right now. I’m 37, so I am next.

Wait, Why Are Millennials Having a Mid-Life Crisis?

First off, let’s address the elephant in the room: Millennials are NOT kids anymore.

Crushing reality.

If you’re a Millennial born in, say, 1985, you’re now pushing 40. That’s right—our generation went from obsessing over Tamagotchis and Pokemon to obsessing over retirement accounts. Or, let’s be real, the lack thereof.

But the Millennial mid-life crisis isn’t just about hitting the halfway point of life. Oh no, my generation is juggling more than their predecessors ever did. Well, a little overly dramatic, but stay with me.

Consider the highlights of Gen Y life:

• Crushing student loans: You’ve been paying these off for decades, but they seem as unshakable as your childhood memories of Blockbuster.

• Housing market madness: Buying a house? In this economy? Got half a million? Good luck.

• The pressure to “have it all”: Career, family, hobbies, a side hustle, AND eight hours of sleep? Sure, let’s add winning a Nobel Prize to the list while we’re at it.

• Social media life crisis: On top of all that, we — the ones who grew up in that weird time before and in the middle of social media — have to live through our “crisis” online.

With so much to deal with, hitting your late 30s feels less like reaching the top of the mountain and more like realizing you’ve been hiking up the wrong hill in flip-flops.

The Symptoms of a Millennial Mid-Life Crisis

Not sure if you’re in the middle of a Millennial mid-life crisis? Here are some telltale signs:

1. You’re suddenly into hobbies you mocked as a teen.

Pottery? Birdwatching? Growing your own sourdough starter? You’re no longer rolling your eyes at these activities—you’re thriving.

2. You feel nostalgic for stuff from the 90s and early 2000s.

Man, I just wrote an entire article about just that.

You hear the words “burnt CD” and feel a pang of emotion. Suddenly, the Friends reunion made you cry, and you can’t stop Googling “how to buy a functioning iPod.”

3. You’re rethinking your career choices.

What started as a “dream job” now feels like a never-ending loop of emails and pointless Zoom calls. Is it too late to become a digital nomad?

4. You’ve become oddly obsessed with health.

Kale smoothies. Pilates classes. That weird fascination with stretching every morning. Ice baths. Cold showers. You’re no longer eating pizza at 3 a.m.; you’re tracking your steps and Googling “how to prevent lower back pain.”

Been there, done that.

So, What Now?

If you’re realizing you’ve hit middle age earlier than expected, don’t panic. LOL.

Mid-life isn’t a crisis; it’s a reset. Sure, you’re not the spry 20-something you once were, but let’s face it, 20-year-olds don’t know what they’re doing either. The beauty of being in your late 30s and early 40s is that you’ve learned some stuff. You’ve made mistakes, and you’ve survived them. Hopefully.

Instead of spiraling into existential dread, consider this your chance to embrace your inner Zen. Ask yourself:

• What really matters to me?

• What do I want to prioritize?

• How can I be a little kinder to myself?

And if you want the convertible, get the convertible. Who cares if it’s a little cliché?

I’d love a convertible…

Middle Age, But Make It Fun

The truth is, middle-age doesn’t have to be about crisis—it can be about reinvention.

Want to pick up a new hobby? Go for it.

Want to get back into something you loved as a teen? Do it!

Want to take that dream trip? Skip a few shopping trips, save that cash, and pack your bags.

Life isn’t about how much time you have; it’s about what you do with it. Cheesy, I know.

So, cheers to being 38.75. Glass half full.